Tuesday, June 30, 2009

85 Percent Of The Time, It Works Every Time

According to the social worker that we worked with on our former adoption case, 15 percent of adoptions end with the birthmother changing her mind and keeping the baby.

I'm not sure if this makes me feel relieved or worse. I had only a 1 in almost 7 chance of this happening. Yet it happened. And next time, I'll have a 1 in 7 chance that it will happen again.

BUT, we are back on board with the agency, and they have already started sending out our profile again. So we sit back and wait, with our fingers crossed that our next experience has a much better ending.

On a side note, the awkward stares have begun to dwindle, and I've actually had a few pretty thoughtful approaches - a voicemail from a friend saying she understand if I don't want to talk about it, but she's there if I need her and she'll check back in a few days just to say hi; an email from a coworker not claiming to understand what I was going through, but expressing her sadness and anger for my loss; and a prayer card from a friend just letting us know she is thinking of us and praying for our happy ending. Sometimes it's hard to find the right words, but it's amazing when people figure it out. Thank you to my friends and family for their support...

Monday, June 29, 2009

"I'm Sorry"

I haven't heard "I'm sorry" so much since my father died. I hate when people say that. But I now realize this is better than the people who awkwardly avert their eyes, not realizing I've already seen the pity.

I guess I should just be thankful that aren't saying "something good will come of this" or "everything happens for a reason." That's even worse.

I look forward to next Monday when everyone has enjoyed their long weekend and long forgotten about this.

And just as I was venting about this, someone came in my office to have a real conversation about what happened without using any cliches. I so greatly appreciate that...

My Adoption Story

My husband and I began our adoption process in October 2008. A lot of paperwork, the home study, the understanding of all the laws, and then finalizing our agency. Then more paperwork. But we knew it would be worth the wait. Our profile started getting shown in April 2009, and by the end of our second month, we had been chosen to be adoptive parents.

Of course we knew we had to be careful - the birthmother can change her mind. By TX law (where our agency is) she has three days. I was prepared for those to be the longest 3 days of my life. I was right.

We got the call on 6/24/09 that our birthmother had gone in to labor. We should head to TX ASAP to meet our daughter. We got a flight out in just a few hours, yet by the time we boarded the plane, she had arrived. The birthfamily sent me pictures and kept me updated. We didn't arrive until 3 am, and checked in to a hotel to get a few hours of sleep. We met the birthmother and her father at the hospital at 8:30 am. We immediately began caring for the baby - holding her, feeding her, changing her diaper. We med with the birthfamily - told them more about ourselves, answered more of their questions, and they told us again why they had chosen adoption for the baby. It was going so smoothly.

And then at 2:30, we got the call from the social worker that they had changed their minds and were not going to release the baby to us. Of course we knew this was a risk, but that still doesn't prepare you for the devastation of losing your daughter. Sure I was only a mom for 6 hours, and I know it could've been much worse if i had more time to bond with her. But it is devastation nonetheless.

The agency will begin sending out our profile again today. I don't know if I will do anything differently, I don't know if this experience has made me smarter or stronger. I just know that I am READY to be a mom. If I ever had a question about attachment to a newborn or the strength of the love a mother could feel for an adoptive child, or whether I would be 'a natural', this experience taught me that I will have more love for my son or daughter than I ever thought possible. I look forward to my next call, my next birthmother, and meeting my next newborn...