Showers of Happiness...And Maybe A Little Heartache

Yesterday afternoon I wondered around Babies "R" Us getting an idea of all the items I will need to be purchasing if this adoption case works out - convertible car seats, strollers, crib/beds, all the fun stuff. It's AMAZING how much you need, and how much research you have to do. I felt prepared for the arrival of a newborn, and was able to 'cheat' off friends' registries, but buying for toddlers I don't know yet seems confusing and overwhelming...but of course very exciting.

Then today I went to a baby shower. I've been to plenty in my life time, but this is the first since I had ever been selected by a birthmother. It was very casual and not overly 'baby shower-ish.' I had debated going - wondered if it would be hard for me to sit through - but it was a close friend, and we barely all get together anymore, so I figured I would be fine. Overall it wasn't a big deal, but watching her open all the gifts, and the excitement in the air over a newborn, and watching the daddy-to-be dote on the mommy-to-be made me a little sad. First time that's happened to me. I guess it's normal now that I am so far along down the adoption path and it's more real that our family will be staring soon.

I'm not sad that I won't be pregnant, or that I may or may not have a newborn. I think it's just the general excitement that most pregnant women get to experience (though I'm not jealous of the swollen ankles, retaining water, stretch marks, etc.!). But after my first adoption case fell apart, my family and friends are much more reserved with this one. And while I know that this one may or may not work out, I know that I will always be really excited for each and every case. I never want to look back at the anticipation of an adoption and remember that I was scared, nervous and anxious. I want to remember how excited I was, and the anticipation of meeting my son/daughter/both. But I know that the excitement my friends and family may feel for me is reserved, and behind a wall of doubt and angst that this one might not go through. Or that I will get hurt again. I think parents going through adoption just see it so differently than everyone else.

But for now, hubby and I will just keep reminding ourselves how happy and excited we are, and we'll turn our attention to baby proofing the house for their arrival!